


The Bluejeans Dilemma

by starlightwalking



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Bromance Zine, Bureau of Benevolence, Candlenights, Gen, Gift Giving, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 03:18:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18002813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Kravitz draws Barry Bluejeans' name for the Bureau of Benevolence's Secret Santa, and he doesn't have any idea what to get his weird-ass brother-in-law. While snooping around Barry's place for ideas, he runs across a more serious problem that might take the cheer out of the Candlenights season...





	The Bluejeans Dilemma

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This was my piece for the Bromance Zine :) It's mostly Kravitz & Barry fun, but there is some minor Taakitz & Blupjeans too.
> 
> I wrote this in October 2018, before the Halloween Liveshow (so there's no Dracula involved...if I'd known about that, I probably would have had Brad and Dracula be married!) and also before the Candlenights 2018 Liveshow. I think that liveshow would be the second Candlenights after Story & Song, and this is set a few years after that! I'm glad to know that there is actually a BoB Candlenights exchange, lol.
> 
> Enjoy this Candlenights in March! Thanks for reading!

"What do you think Barry would like for Candlenights?"

Taako rolled over in bed, cocking a perfect neon-blue eyebrow. " _This_  is what you think about post-coitus? My goofy-ass brother-in-law?"

Kravitz snorted. "I don't know if I'd call his ass  _goofy_ ," he remarked. "I can see why he's so alluring to Lup, with a tush like that—"

" _Stop,_ " Taako groaned. "You're in bed with  _Taako_ —from  _TV_ —only the hottest being in  _existence_ —and you wanna fantasize about Barry Bluejeans' bubble butt? Get your priorities in order, my man!"

Kravitz gave him a few quick kisses and a teasing nibble at his ear, and Taako was appeased, curling up half on top of his chest. A hand tangled in his boyfriend's hair, Kravitz tried again.

"Seriously, though," he said. "I was assigned Barry in the Bureau of Benevolence Candlenights exchange, and I have no idea where to start."

"Drop your 'work accent', and he'd never need anything else," Taako drawled.

Kravitz ignored his absurd suggestion. "I thought I'd ask you. Surely you've given him gifts in the past."

"You're coworkers," Taako grumbled.

"And so were you, for a hundred years," Kravitz pointed out, "which is about ninety-six more than me."

"Ask Lup," Taako muttered. "She's his  _wife_."

"She can't keep a secret. She already let it slip that she's giving to Avi, and it's been two days since we all drew names."

"Mmmpf." Taako snuggled closer to him, his breath tickling Kravitz's chest hair. "Whatever. 'S long as you don't leave me for him."

"I guarantee your ass is the only one I care about," Kravitz teased.

Taako didn't reply, but Kravitz knew from the way he flicked his ears that he was pleased.

💀💀💀

The Candlenights season was joyous for all, but Kravitz had a few favorite winter holidays. The solstice lights across the skies of the astral plane were breathtaking, and one of his most treasured memories was taking his family to see their glow for the first time. Kwanzaa was fun, too—he and Magnus would take Angus shopping for fresh fruit together, and he enjoyed being taught by his foster son about the origins of the holiday—but Chanukah held a special place in his heart. He'd grown up celebrating the holiday, and so had Taako and Lup. (Their aunt made killer latkes, and Taako had only improved her recipe.)

The Bureau's Candlenights party was held at the end of the month, wrapping up the season in one final celebration, but this year Chanukah fell in the first week of December. Luckily, that gave Kravitz time to gather ideas for his present while at Barry and Lup's place at the family Chanukah party.

It was a small affair (for their family, at least). Mookie chased a couple of Magnus's dogs around, while Magnus himself tried to explain for the umpteenth time that cutting off Merle's arm had  _saved his goddamn life_. Kravitz kept out of those discussions, not really wanting to remind either of them that technically that whole incident had been  _his_  fault.

Mavis, Angus, and Barry sat by the menorah in the window, discussing magic and politics. Barry had a book open, and was pointing at some illustration, energetically explaining his opinion to the youngsters—if they could be called that. Angus was fifteen and pubescent, growing like a weed both physically and mentally, and Mavis was already old enough to be  _dating_. Her current sweetheart was some kid from Taako's school.

Lup and Taako bickered about the details of a Chanukah on the Starblaster ninety or so years back, so lost in their friendly argument that they didn't notice when Kravitz slipped out of the room to snoop around. Maybe this would help him find a good gift for Barry Bluejeans.

Kravitz wandered into Lup and Barry's room. He was impressed, as always, by the sheer  _messiness_  of it all. The bed hadn't been made since they moved in, the walls were covered in scorch marks, and stacks of books and papers piled up on every piece of furniture.

At first, nothing inspired him. He didn't bother peeking into their drawers, knowing he would only find red robes, blue jeans, and sex toys. Kravitz flipped open a few books, skimming through the pages, but that proved unhelpful. Barry's interests were too varied to give him a book; he was probably already an expert in anything Kravitz could find a book on.

Pictures on the wall showed the Barry and Lup together in various places, often alongside Taako (or with him photobombing in the background). There were plenty of all the Seven Birds as well, and even a few that contained Kravitz. One showed a scene from a beach party at Merle's, the twins in each other's arms and their respective partners smiling awkwardly nearby.

Kravitz echoed that smile now as he straightened the photo's frame. He was lucky that his undeath had turned out this way, so dramatically wonderful that he didn't know what to do about it sometimes. Not knowing what to get his brother-in-law for Candlenights was a good problem to have.

"What do I know about Barry?" he muttered under his breath. He was oddly humorous. Incredibly smart. Goofy, like Taako had said. A good coworker, when he wasn't bending the rules. Dangerous and powerful in battle. But none of that helped Kravitz with a gift.

He could always cop out and give Barry some chocolate, or a gift card to Fantasy Bed Bath and Beyond. But even thinking that, Kravitz felt bad. He had a flair for the dramatic, too, and he would disappoint both Barry and himself if he gave up this easily.

Kravitz was on the way out of their room rejoin to the celebrations when something caught his eye. Curious, he opened the closet, revealing that it was not a closet at all, but a dark staircase leading down into a basement Kravitz hadn't known they had.

Unable to help himself, Kravitz snuck down the steps. Another door awaited him at the end, a gleam of artificial light shining out through the cracks in its frame. He pushed the door open gently and sighed when he realized what it led to.

He entered a small room lit by fluorescent lamps. Several filing cabinets lined the walls, squeezed between two enormous refrigerators. In the center was a large table, currently devoid of a body, but with enough metal instruments and potions around its perimeter that Kravitz could recognize it as an operating counter. Only, this wasn't a makeshift hospital—it was a necromancer's den. Admittedly a high tech one, but still.

"Barry..." Kravitz groaned. The last time he'd seen a place like this, the guilty party had been reaped and sent directly to the Eternal Stockade. Barry and Lup had helped on that mission, too—Barry ought to know better!

Kravitz was going to have to write him up for this. There was nothing  _too_  incriminating (though who knew what was in those fridges), but it was probably breaking the Raven Queen's laws. It  _definitely_  broke employee policy. If Barry didn't get fired or thrown into the Eternal Stockade, he would at the very least lose his Candlenights bonus.

A quiet cough made Kravitz jump. He turned around guiltily (even though  _he_  was not the rule breaker in this situation), stammering out, "Barry, this—this isn't what it—" He broke off, blinking. "Angus?"

"Hello, sir," said Angus McDonald. He raised an eyebrow. "Are you coming back the party? Taako's about to serve sufganiyot."

"I was just about to," Kravitz said. He glanced around Barry's secret necromancy chamber, biting his lip. Getting Barry in trouble with his employer was not the kind of Candlenights present he had been hoping to give.

"He's really trying to follow the rules, you know," Angus remarked. "He only goes in here about once a week. It's mostly academic. And Lup doesn't bother with this kind of thing anymore."

"I can't just..." Kravitz rubbed his forehead. If he was truly faithful to his Queen and his job, he'd pull his scythe out right now and destroy this whole room, then drag Barry to the astral plane. But he wasn't—he had new loyalties now, to his family.  _Family. Friends._  Only a few years ago, these had been alien concepts, and now he valued them more than his centuries-long task of keeping the balance of life and death.

"You have Barry for the Candlenights exchange, don't you?" Angus guessed.

Kravitz nodded, unsurprised that the World's Greatest Detective had figured that out.

"Maybe this will get you thinking about ideas for a gift," Angus remarked. He started back up the stairs, and Kravitz followed, his mind troubled. "And if not...I think Lup tore his overalls last week."

💀💀💀

The Bureau of Benevolence holiday party was a smashing success. Literally. After a few rounds of drinks, Magnus and Carey had an arm wrestling contest that ended with several broken glasses, including Angus's.

Killian started off the night's gift exchange with a bang, blowing off some fireworks she'd bought from Garfield that spelled out "BRAD BRADSON ROCKS!"

Brad himself presented Taako with a knitted sweater in color-changing fabric, which Taako immediately and delightedly donned. It was a few sizes too large, which for Taako was perfect. He pulled it up around his neck until his nose barely peaked out of the top; several inches of sleeve hung loose at his waist. Even though Kravitz couldn't see his mouth beneath the fabric, it was clear he was smiling with glee.

Taako gave Carey his Cloak of the Manta Ray, declaring, "You'll probably use it more than me—I don't need it, I have magic powers." The mirth dancing in Carey's eyes made Kravitz a little worried for the valuables of any mermaids and fish, now that she had a magical item that allowed her to rob underwater.

Pringles received a big box of his favorite snacks from Carey; in turn, he gave a probably-illegal potion to Oliver Bradson, Brad's husband and the only person there other than Kravitz who was not technically a member of the Bureau. Oliver had drawn Leon's name, and gifted him with some tasteful golden cufflinks.

Leon gave Angus a leather-bound notebook; Angus gave Lucretia a box of his favorite sweets from all over the world; Lucretia gave Magnus a coupon for one free backrub, which Kravitz thought was odd but seemed to greatly amuse both of them. Mavis, who had officially joined the Bureau earlier that year, received a spellbook from Lucretia and the promise of advice if she ever needed. Mavis flushed beet-red as she thanked the Director, running back to her father to show off her gift.

Mavis presented Lup with several handmade friendship bracelets with protection magic weaved into them. "So they won't burn up," she explained. "Dad showed me how."

Lucretia opened her mouth as if to make a joke at Merle's expense, but thought better of it. "These are wonderful!" she exclaimed, slipping them on. "How did you know red was my favorite color?"

"Um," Mavis mumbled, "well, it's pretty much all you wear."

Lup's gift to Avi was a breezy apology about ruining the surprise of the night and a plate of home-baked goods. Avi gave Merle some cologne which he almost immediately regretted as Merle stripped off his shirt and began to apply it in copious amounts.

Kravitz had been so wrapped up in Barry's gift that he hadn't spared a thought on what he would receive. It was probably a good idea he hadn't bothered to get his hopes up, because it was Merle who had drawn his name. Kravitz politely thanked him for his gift of a Kenny Chesney album on vinyl, mentally making a note to see if there were any pawn shops in Neverwinter that might buy it off him.

At last, Kravitz realized he could put it off no longer. Dreading that his present was inadequate, he approached Barry Bluejeans.

"Barry," he said.

"Hey, Kravitz," Barry said, waving hello to him. "Enjoying the party?"

"Yes," Kravitz agreed. "Even if it is a bit odd being the only one here who is not employed by the Bureau. Besides Oliver, that is."

Barry waved his hand dismissively. "Don't feel weird. It's not as if the boys and Lup and me are really getting paychecks from Lucretia. We've got our own businesses and pet projects, this is just a party with friends."

"Speaking of pet projects..." Kravitz coughed. "I, ah, know about yours. That room in your basement, I mean."

Barry froze for a moment, then sighed. "Yeah, I knew you'd find out about that eventually..." He scratched his head and shrugged. "Old habits die hard, ya know?" He raised an eyebrow. "So...have you told Her Majesty yet?"

"No," Kravitz said. "In fact, I was going to let it slip my mind."

"Oh!" Barry grunted. "Uh...thanks. But...why aren't you telling on me?"

"You're family," Kravitz said, only a little embarrassed. "And I like working with you. Plus, Lup and Taako both would have my hide if I let our Queen punish you. However, I  _do_  recommend getting rid of that little necromantic hideout of yours before I change my mind."

"I will," Barry said, dejected. "It's just—there's so much we don't know about life and death, even still. I don't mean to do evil with it, just learn more about what we're fighting against, and...okay, well maybe do a  _little_  bit of raising the dead, but not—"

"We've had this argument already," Kravitz interrupted. "Let's agree to disagree, this time around." He pulled out a little piece of paper from his pocket, and handed it to Barry. "I had some trouble finding you a gift, I must admit, but I think this is fitting. I'm pretty sure it will come in handy sometime."

Barry took the card, examining it with furrowed brows. Then he laughed. "One 'Get Out of the Eternal Stockade Free' card," he read. "Oh, that's good. Can I use it on another person, or does it have to be me?"

"Let's hope we don't have to decide that anytime soon," Kravitz said. "And before you tease me about breaking the rules, I'll let you know that the Raven Queen herself approved this gift. Happy Candlenights, Barry."

"Oh—this is for the exchange!" he said. "Wait—you had me? But I had you! Lucretia said that wasn't supposed to happen."

"That is odd," Kravitz agreed with a frown.

"I was going to give you a weekend off, whenever you want it," Barry said. "Lup and I can work double shift, and you can hang out with Taako. Go fishing, or something. He'd like that."

Kravitz filed that information away for later. "But you can't have actually had me," he said. "I already got a gift from Merle. Who hasn't..."

Barry reached a hand into his pocket. He wore his classic blue jeans and red robe, as usual, but with a Santa hat and a holly leaf as a pin. He pulled out the slip of paper he'd drawn out of the hat, squinting to read it.

"...This says Killian," he realized, paling. "Oh, dear. The K must have thrown me off. I should have double-checked."

"I'll help you find something for her," Kravitz offered. "This is partially my fault."

"In what way?" Barry asked, but he didn't turn the offer down. "Dammit...is Fantasy Costco still open?"

"It's 9:27pm on a holiday," Kravitz said, "so no." His scythe materialized in his hand. "At least...not in this plane."

💀💀💀

Kravitz wasn't sure exactly  _why_  the branch of Fantasy Costco in the astral plane was open 24/7 unlike any other location, but he wasn't complaining. It probably had something to do with the fact that all the employees were dead, and working "community service" to pay for their crimes against the balance of life and death. Compared to the Eternal Stockade, this was a lenient sentence, but Kravitz didn't envy anyone who had to work with Garfield the Deals Warlock.

As their cards were approved by the employee at the store's entrance, Kravitz pictured Barry in her place: tired-eyed, in a company uniform, working here for centuries as penance for being a lich. He snorted.

"What?" Barry asked.

"Nothing," Kravitz said. "Do you have any ideas for Killian?""

"Uh, no," Barry said. "Let's just, uh, browse?"

Kravitz checked his pocketwatch. "We've only got an hour left before the party's over, so let's make it quick."

Barry started down the kitchen appliances aisle, muttering under his breath. "I don't know her well enough!" he exclaimed. "I mean, you're practically my brother-in-law and it took me ages to come up with a gift for  _you_."

"The only reason I found out about your secret lair was because I was snooping around your house at the Chanukah party, trying to find some inspiration," Kravitz admitted. He stopped, admiring a set of kitchen knives. "This?"

"She's got fangs, you think she needs  _kitchen_ knives?" Barry shook his head. "Well, I can't say I'm  _surprised_  you found the lair. I know I shouldn't have it, and I wasn't hiding it super well. No curses on the door or anything."

"You see the kind of people we hunt down," Kravitz said. "Curses are only an inconvenience."

"Exactly," Barry agreed. "I actually figured it would be  _less_  conspicuous if they weren't there."

"True," Kravitz agreed slowly. "If you weren't my boyfriend's sister's husband I doubt I would have had the opportunity to find it, much less the suspicion. You don't...forgive me, but when you aren't in your lich form you don't look like much."

"I like how I look," Barry said, "but I understand what you mean. Lup looks like she  _could_  be up to some shit, and she probably is, but people underestimate me." He smiled, and his visage flickered briefly between lich and human. "That's okay with me."

"I have to admit, I never thought anyone else could pull of 'eerie skeleton' as well as me," Kravitz said with a smirk.

"It's the robe that does it," Barry said modestly. "A skeleton's a skeleton. Everyone's got one. And most people have pants, even if blue jeans are my signature style. The  _robe_ , now...that's scary. That's fresh."

Kravitz snapped his fingers. "That's it! Killian would love that!"

"A robe?" Barry asked, confused.

"No—pants!" Kravitz explained. He grabbed Barry's arm and ran over to the clothing section. "I remember seeing some—aha!"

He pulled a pair of sweatpants out of a pile, showing them off to Barry triumphantly. They were XXL—orc sized—and dark blue. Along one leg was emblazoned the words "DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?" and along the other was an image of a buff orc woman holding a stack of her friends above her head, including a dwarf, an elf, a human, and at the very top, a dragonborn.

"Oh, that's genius," Barry breathed. "I would never have found that without you, Krav!"

"Happy to help," Kravitz said with a goofy smile, and he meant it. "Come on—let's get back to the party!"

💀💀💀

"Where have you  _been_?" Lup demanded of her husband, dragging him by the arm to the table of desserts. "I had to fight Magnus for the last slice of pie, all because it was  _your_  favorite flavor and you weren't here to claim it!"

"Thanks, babe," Barry said, wiggling free of her grasp. "And sorry—Kravitz and I were doing some, uh, last minute shopping."

"I thought you said you  _got_  something for the exchange," Lup demanded. "I didn't think you meant you'd pay for whatever he wanted!"

"No, no," Barry said, "see—oh, I'll explain later!" He looked around. "Killian?"

Kravitz spotted her chatting with Avi by the Candlenights bush. He beckoned her over, and she followed with a raised eyebrow.

"What's up, Mr. Skeleton?" she asked.

"I wish it hadn't taken this long, but your gift for the exchange is finally ready," Kravitz said.

"Oh, hey! I didn't think you had me!" Killian said with a toothy grin.

"I don't," he said, "but Barry needed a little...help picking something out, and everyone else was busy." He nudged Barry. "Go on, show her!"

Barry presented her with a gift bag. Everyone at the party paused what they were doing and watched as Killian unwrapped her present, completing the Candlenights exchange.

"It's...sweatpants," she said, trying to sound impressed.

Kravitz flipped it over from the backside to the front so she could see the design. "Workout pants," Barry explained. "We thought they matched your—"

Before he could finish, Killian laughed. She flung the pants over her shoulder and squished both Kravitz and Barry into an embrace, before lifting them high into the air like in the picture. "I love it!" she exclaimed.

Everyone cheered, and Kravitz could hear Carey whistling loudly from the ground. He was a bit dizzy from being tossed around, but he could see one thing clearly: Barry's laughing face only a few inches away from his, flushed beet-red with excitement. And even though he still wasn't quite sure what to make of this strange lich-man in blue jeans who happened to be his brother-in-law, Kravitz couldn't help but laugh along, his heart swelling with Candlenights cheer. He had a good life—and some great friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/) or on my TAZ sideblog [@aroburnsides](http://aroburnsides.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
